Relationship Jokes

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Q & A Jokes (Part 3)

Q. what is similarity between cassete and women ?
A. U CAN IN BY BOTH SIDE

Q. what is similarity b/w women's skirt and the sun?
A. both r hot, both looks nice when goin down.

Q: What do you do on mother’s day?
A: Help girls in becoming mothers.

Q: Chuntti aur hatti sahel ke kinaray walk ker rahay thay k chunnti n haati ke kaan main kuch kaha aur haathi k rung ur gaye batao chuntti ne kia kaha.......?
A: Chuntii ne kaha mubarak ho main tumharay bachay ki maaan bun nay walli hoon

Q:y r egyptian children alwez confused??
A:because, aftr death, their DADDIES bcom MUMMIES!!

Q: Which boy has the permission to get into a girls' bathroom and touch her anywhere he likes?
A: Lifeboy

Q:What is the similarity between butter & legs?
A:They both are to be spread before use.

Q. What is common between a bus conductor and a gay?
A. both shout.. peechey se Aaa

Q. always says "i love you" to girls but do u knew the true meaning of it?
A. I-m, L-looking, O-over the V-vaginal, E-entry, - Y-you must take, O-off, U-underwear

Q: Why is the '69' position also called the smokers position?
A: Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray

Q: What is the smallest hotel in the world ?
A: It's Vagina Inn because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant who must leave his 2 bags outside!

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology....When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.

Q: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?
A: Heart

Q: What’s hairy on the outside and moist inside, begins with a 'C' ends with a 'T' and has U' and 'N' in the middle?
A: Coconut

Q: Who is senior, PENIS or VAGINA.
A: VAGINA b'cos PENIS always stands up when he sees a VAGINA..So respect the seniors!

Q & A Jokes (Part 2)

Q. What is a four-letter word that ends in ‘k’ and means the same as intercourse?

A. Talk

Q. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

A. legs

Q. What can you find in a man’s pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

A. a $20 bill

Q. What word starts with ‘f ‘ and ends with ‘u-c-k’?

A. firetruck

Q. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in ‘ u-n-t ‘ and one of which is a word for a woman?

A. bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt

Q. What does a dog do that you can step into?

A. Pants

Q. What four-letter word begins with ‘f’ and ends with’ k’, and if you can’t get one you can use your hands?

A. fork

Q. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

A. Almond Joy candy bar

Q.What four-letter word ends in ‘it ‘ and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

A. grit

Q. What is it that all men have one of; it’s longer on some men than on others; the Pope doesn’t use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?

A. surname

Q & A Jokes (Part 1)

Q. WHY DID SANTA SING TAKE OFF HIS CLOTHES WHILE WRITING EXAMS?
A. COZ IT WAS WRITTEN IN THE PAPER"ANSWER IN BRIEF.

Q. WHAT IS THE HEIGHT OF LAZINESS?
A. A COUPLE ADOPTING A CHILD.

Q. WHAT IS THE HEIGHT OF POSSESSIVENESS?
A. constiPATION.

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A WOMAN WHO KNOWS WHERE HER HUSBAND IS EVERY NIGHT?
A. WIDOW

Q. WHY AMERICANS STOP PRINTING STAMPS WITH PHOTO OF PAMEELA ANDERSON?A. COZ PEOPLE STARTED LICKING THE WRONG SIDE OF IT FOR PASTING THEM ON THE ENVELOPES.

Q. WHAT DOES 98 STAND FOR IN WINDOWS 98?
A. IT STANDS FOR NUMBER OF TIMES IT HANGS IN A DAY.

Q. WHY DID BANTA SINGH TAKE HIS PREGNANT WIFE TO PIZZA CORNER?
A. FOR FREE DELIVERY.

Q. HOW WOULD YOU IDENTIFY BANTA SINGH IN A SUBMARINE?
A. HE WILL BE THE ONLY ONE WITH A PARACHUTE TIED TO HIS BACK.

Q. HOW TO MAKE TTK LAUGH ON SUNDAY?
A. BY TELLING HER A JOKE ON THURSDAY.

Q. WHAT DID BANTA SINGH SAY WHEN HE SAW A BANANA PEEL?
A. "OH! I AM GOING TO SLIP AGAIN.

Q. WHICH IS THE SHORTEST JOKE?
A. SANTA SINGH AND BANTA SINGH PLAYING CHESS.

Q. WHICH BROTHER OF KALIDAS MAKES SHOES?
A. ADIDAS

Pondering Jokes

Who Reads Newspapers?
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

Useful Phrases for High Stress Days
Do I really look like a people person?

Tipping the Dealer
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

Chocolate Rules
If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

Confusing Name
The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

Food and Drink might be deadly!
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

More to Ponder
A backward poet writes inverse.

Useful Metric Conversions
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

Test Your I.Q
Answers are at the bottom. No fair cheating unless you are a politician under oath.

Useful English System Unit Conversions
Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

Daffynitions
Every year the Washington Post conducts a contest in which readers are asked to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are some of this year’s winners:

Paradoxes
From George CarlinThe paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

Counter Proverbs
- Actions speak louder than words.
-or- The pen is mightier than the sword.

More Signs
Spotted in the toilet of a London office: “Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.”

Natural Laws
“The Law of Volunteering”If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

Politician Jokes

Dear Mr. Hinckley
Dear Mr. HinckleyBill Clinton

Praying for a Bike
A little boy wanted $100 to buy a new bike, and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up.

Papal Meeting
During a visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.

New Element Discovered
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

Dear IRS
Enclosed is my 2000 Tax Return & payment.

A Story of Creation
In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Corporate Sociology 101: The Two Cow Explanation
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:You have two cows.You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

Subject: All Chain Letters are not fakes!!
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

The Kittens
Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, “What’s in the box kid?”

Bill & Hillary’s Anniversary
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Hillary Clinton and Lie Clocks
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven.

Questions and Answers
Q: Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?
A: Because they can lie without moving their lips.

Thieves in our house
A Congressman is awakened in the middle of the night by his wife.

Men & Woman Jokes (Part 2)

A Loving Couple
As Alicia was getting to know Michael and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

Married for 25 Years
“I know a man who has been married for 25 years and he spends every evening at home.”

Why Men Can’t Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If the World Was Fair to Men
Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur on leap years.

His & Her Driving Directions
Her Directions…

Training Courses Now Available for Men
Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

Let’s Make a Deal
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

Thoughtful Husband
A man asked his wife, “If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?”

I’m Not Sure
Vacationing in Kentucky, Bob spent the night at a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, he asked the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell him, she called her husband from the back room.

Advice from Mothers to Daughters
Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in diapers.

The Chauvinist
Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework — that, he declared, was woman’s work.

Embarrassed
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

To: Wives
If we’re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn’t mean we’re not watching it.

The Princess
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

Haircuts
WOMEN:Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!

With a Kiss
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl asked, “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

Men & Woman Jokes (Part 1)

Bruised old man
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on the man’s shins.

Known by the Company You Keep
Marvin was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

I would do anything to pass this exam
A beautiful female college student comes to a young professor’s office.

The Remote
Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases.

Special Day
Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”

Sharing
A couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.

Gender Roles
Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

Tightly Packed
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was obviously delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

Substitutions
A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.

The Surprise
On a whim a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and surprise her after work.The minute he opened the door, his wife started screaming at him, “This is the worst day that I have EVER had! The kids have been terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine broke and [...]

Lowered Expectations
What A Woman Wants In A Man Before She is 40

You Look Familiar
A completely inebriated man walks into a bar. After staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walks over to her and pinches her on the fanny.

No Win Situation
One evening a man drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although it was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous rather easily.

Ruled by Women
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

Let’s Pretend
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat.

Watch closely
The young couple was at a baseball game. About halfway through the game, they noticed a much older couple in the seats below them.

Life Jokes (Part 2)

Pretzels
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.

You Talkin’ to Me?
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years, chatting, and enjoying each other’s friendship.

A Well Planned Life
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school together many years ago.

Always Polite
A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some very expensive Napoleon brandy.

Before and After Falling In Love
Before - You take my breath awayAfter - I feel like I’m suffocating

Your Heavenly Home
The story goes that a preacher and a bus driver both passed away at the same time and were both entering Heavens gate.

The Benefits of Growing Older (and you thought there weren’t any)
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

The Retired Preacher
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one.

Proposed Alcohol Warning Labels
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring stories over and over.

Little Buddy
Rodney walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here.”

A Very Fast Moped
A young man goes out and buys one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world, a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo.

Rude Awakening
A man and his wife are awakened at 3:30 a.m. by a knock on the door. “I’m not getting out of bed at this hour,” he thinks and rolls back over.

Traffic Hazard
A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting. The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was.

Success
Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.

The Great Escape
Three thieves — a smart guy, an average guy and a dumb guy, are arrested and sent to prison for stealing a car.

Hallmark Card Rejects
I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.

Life Jokes (Part 1)

I have Contacts
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.

Negotiating a trip home
Bob had been shopping downtown all day with his wife and four little children. They were all so tired, he decided to take a taxicab home.

Something from the Bar?
A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago, biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”

Just Plane Dumb
The military commander had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from the enemy. So, he summoned a corporal. “I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of a military activity.”

Directions
A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

Middle Age…
Middle age is when you go to the doctor and you realize you know have to pay someone to look at you naked.

That’s Disgusting
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

Door to Door
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.

Choosing Your University
The high school senior and her parents were visiting a prestigious university.

The Deposit
One afternoon a young bank teller met her aunt downtown for lunch.

Stalled
A man’s car was stalled in the middle of a busy street, and the woman behind him honked continuously as he tried to restart it.

The Old Man & the Truck Stop
An old man was eating in a truck stop when three members of a motorcycle gang walked in.

Memories
An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

Nervous Flyer
A man has an hour to wait before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at the airport bar.

Wild Chickens
Poor Robert was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in.

Big John
A very slightly built bus driver named Bob was running his route one day when a big hulk of a guy got on.

Family Jokes (Part 2)

Telling Time
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with “the boys.” I told my new bride that I would be home by midnight … promise!

That’s Once…
It was 1850, and the old widower had just married a young bride. They left the church for home in a wagon pulled by a mule. Within a couple of minutes, the mule stumbled.

Light a Candle
Mrs. O’Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O’Rafferty.

The Ultimate Computer
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company’s production line as the guided tour arrived.

Proud Mothers
Three mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Worthless
“I’m ashamed of the way we live,” a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. “My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food.

The Census
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her the names and ages of her children.

Cold & Wet
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner.

A Teenager Is…
-A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

Dogs & Cats & Teenagers
I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate — teenagers are cats. It’s so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm [...]

A Letter From Mom
Dear Son,Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I’m writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won’t know the house when you come home. We’ve moved.

Choose Your Weapon
A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

That’s Nice
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, “As you give your daughter’s hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him.”

Remembering Mom
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

Caught Swearing
The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

Dinner Guests
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

Family Jokes (Part 1)

I can’t hear you
An elderly gentleman with serious hearing problems goes to the doctor who fits him with hearing aids that allow him to hear at 100% for the first time in many years.

Family Tradition
The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

School Troubles
When I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

What is Sex?
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?”

The Tooth Fairy
After losing another tooth, eight-year-old Timmy became more curious about the elusive tooth fairy.

Not Gonna Do It
An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.

Discipline
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.

Thinking of Mom
A young man was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder.

The System
Each Friday night Bill drove his wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill.

Little Sally
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school.

Pregnancy FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Expecting
Four expectant fathers were in the hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.”

A Financial Education
A young boy goes off to college, but about a third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

It’s the Way My Mom Taught Me
One day a little girl was watching her mom make roast beef. Her mother cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan.

Providing for the Family
It had been many years since the embarrassing day when the young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?

Large Family
Ben came from a large family. He had five sisters and three brothers.

Doctor & Lawyer Jokes

Hot Bath
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he’d become comfortable, the front doorbell rang.

Don’t Owe You Anything
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

Professionals
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a very slight, very tight bikini strolled by.

Preparing for an Emergency Landing
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

Shrinking Clothes
Max went into the doctor’s office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.

Valuable Service
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

A Lawyer at the Pearly gates
A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

My Car! My Car!
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

Restitution
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, runs to the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

What Do You Have?
A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.”

Medical Insurance - HMOs Explained
Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

Abundance
An American traveling on a train in Europe meets a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer.

Patient Info
The main phone number rang at a hospital and the switchboard PBX operator answers.

NASA Interviews
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn’t return to Earth.

Affirmative Action
In Heaven, the order for an affirmative action program was handed down. From on high it was decreed that everyone would have an equal opportunity to enter Heaven.

Doctors Duck Hunting
Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.

The Three Kick Rule
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

The Three Kick Rule
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

Where’s the Money?
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

What Doctors Really Mean
“This should be taken care of right away.”Translation: I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable I want to fix it before it clears up on its own.

Big Man in a Small Town
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school.

Old Dr. Carver
Doctor Carver was old and feeble, but he still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house because Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

Where’s the Money?
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

What Doctors Really Mean
“This should be taken care of right away.”Translation: I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable I want to fix it before it clears up on its own.

Big Man in a Small Town
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school.

You CAN Take It With You
A dying man gathered his three most trusted friends, his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough [...]

Old Dr. Carver
Doctor Carver was old and feeble, but he still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house because Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

Lucrative Profession
A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his find.

The Emergency
The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.

Season’s Greetings (after the lawyers are done)
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration

A Hobby
A young lawyer decided he needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he’d give it a go.

Computer Jokes

UNIX Error Messages
rom: ttt@ottawa (Tom Thomassen)

Flying Directions
A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He’s completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers
He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

Virus Alert!
To: listmaster@funnycleanjokes.comSent: Thursday, August 03, 2000 6:21 AM

Home on the Web
(to the tune of “Home on the Range”)Lyrics by Peggy Ben-Fay Hu

Haiku Computer Error Messages
Contrary to what you might have read, these are not actual error messages, but are fun nonetheless.

If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers
What if General Motors had to maintain a “help line” for people who didn’t know how to operate their new cars?

Tech Questions
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door.

An e-Moral
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

Software Engineers
A software engineer, hardware engineer and company division manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed.

With Apologies to Edgar Allen Poe
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor.

If Restaurants Were Run Like Microsoft
Patron: Waiter!Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support.

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK)
It’s a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere –even sitting in an armchair by the fire–yet it is powerful enough [...]

If Microsoft Built Cars
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car.

How to Shoot Yourself In the Foot Using Any Programming Language
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you’re currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.

Roughing it
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life…

Childs Jokes

Wanted
A group of elementary school students were on a field trip to the local police station. Several of the children were fascinated by the wanted posters on the wall.
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The Watermelon Patch
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was plagued by local kids who would sneak into his patch at night and steal watermelons.
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God Be With You
Little 2 1/2-year-old Kelli went with a neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice. To demonstrate the process, the pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the “Host” (in this case, a piece of bread) he says: “God be with you.”

My Summer Vacation
Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations.

Pa is Gonna Be Mad
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and rushed right over.

Never Tell a Lie
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

My Valentine
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

Politically Correct Schools
No one fails a class anymore…They are merely “passing impaired.”

Learning It Young
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too.

Little Johnny Meets the Bishop
Little Johnny’s father was a rector in a small church. When the bishop came to visit, Little Johnny became very excited.

Browsing for Books
A woman and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore.

The Class Photo
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

What if Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort

Mischievous
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

Dear God From the Kids
Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have? -Amy

Political Correctness For Kids
Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage restrictive.”

Blonde Jokes (Part 2)

Girls Love Flowers
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop.

Blonde Education Department
The Blondes at the college university felt like they just didn’t fit in. Everywhere on campus they felt rideculed and were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos out for sex. They wanted to feel like blondes belonged at the school.

Blonde’s Police Application
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders the desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. To just ‘play along’ and humor her.

Blonde Parents
Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

Rectum Deodorant
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist explains to the woman they don’t sell rectum deodorant… and that in fact he’s never heard of it before.

Game Of Intelligence
A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

Killer Jigsaw Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Magical Mirror
There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there’s a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish… but if you lie - POOF! - it swallows you up for eternity.

Blonde Patient In Pain
A girl says to her doctor, “You have to help me. I hurt all over.”
She touches her right knee with her index finger and says, “Ow! That hurts.”

Depressing Blonde
A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine…

Blonde Walks Into The Library
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - “This is the WORST book I’ve ever read!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!”

Are His Lights On?
A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop. “Oh no!” cried the brunette. “Is he following me?” “Yep,” replied the blonde.

Window Pain
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kinds. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Blonde Jokes (Part 1)

Milk Bath For Beauty
An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will cure stretch marks and make her beautiful again. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk instead of the usual amount.

The Blonde Painter
An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

Cigarette Condoms
A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.

Blonde The Builder
Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

Intelligence Island
Three blonde women were stranded on an island. While trying to dig their way out, one of them came accross a buried lamp. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish, in return for saving him.

Renting An Adult Movie
A blond decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

A Blonde At Western Union
A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, “I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.”

Dear Alcohol
First let me say that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).

Blonde, Redhead And Brunette In A Potato Farm
Three girls were on the run from the cops - a red head, a brunette, and a blonde. During the subsequent high speed chase the red head spotted a potato farm and suggested that the girls should hide out there.

I Once Knew A Blonde
What do you get when you mix a blonde joke with a yo momma joke? Well, as long as you’re not blonde or a momma you get, dun dun dun, I Once Knew A Blonde…

Football Finally Makes Sense
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right at the fifty yard line. It was exciting too, a real nail biter. After the game, he asked her if she had a good time.

Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

She Was So Blonde
It’s not just your momma who’s got to worry about these jokes, even blonde’s arent safe (when were they?) anymore. Kinda of an adaption of the “Yo Momma’s So Stupid” jokes with some new additions. So, without further ado - She Was So Blonde…

Stuck In A Snowstorm
While driving during a horrible snowstorm, a young blonde became disoriented and lost. She remembered what her father had once told her. ”If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.” Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.

I Love Older Women
To set this up, I’ve been married for nearly 25 years. The other day I took a look at my wife said, “Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV… but I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blonde every night.”

Redhead, Brunette and Blonde At A Firing Squad
Three women are about to be executed for crimes they committed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.

Bar Jokes (Part 2)

Win $10,000
A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says “win $10,000 - ask the bartender for details”.

Blonde Puppies
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, red head, and a blonde) and they were all pregnant.

Eileen Who?
This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says” Have you seen Eileen?”

DUI Test
A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes.

Driving Through Texas
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

Three Little Pigs
There were three pigs.
The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

Strongest Man
Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

Good Reason
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

Devil’s Match
The Devil walks into a crowded bar.
Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar.

Birthday Wife
Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, “I don’t have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

Big 10 Incher
Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

The Donkey
A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.

Bar Jokes (Part 1)

13 Margeritas
A guy walks into a bar and asks for 13 margaritas. The bartender abruptly replies, “Wow sir, that sure is a lot, whats the occasion?”

Two Ropes
Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says “Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers.” The bartender says “I’m sorry we dont serve ropes in here.”

Pirate In A Bar
A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”

Drunken Reincarnation
James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up.

Drunken Reincarnation
James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up.

Walk The Line
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

Married Life - Going To The Bar
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

Took My Wife To The Bar
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the bar, so one night he took her along.

New FDA Alcohol Warnings
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.

Too Much to Drink
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

Lesbians
A man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, “I’d like to buy those two beautiful ladies a drink.”