Computer Jokes

UNIX Error Messages
rom: ttt@ottawa (Tom Thomassen)

Flying Directions
A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He’s completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers
He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

Virus Alert!
To: listmaster@funnycleanjokes.comSent: Thursday, August 03, 2000 6:21 AM

Home on the Web
(to the tune of “Home on the Range”)Lyrics by Peggy Ben-Fay Hu

Haiku Computer Error Messages
Contrary to what you might have read, these are not actual error messages, but are fun nonetheless.

If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers
What if General Motors had to maintain a “help line” for people who didn’t know how to operate their new cars?

Tech Questions
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door.

An e-Moral
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

Software Engineers
A software engineer, hardware engineer and company division manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed.

With Apologies to Edgar Allen Poe
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor.

If Restaurants Were Run Like Microsoft
Patron: Waiter!Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support.

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK)
It’s a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere –even sitting in an armchair by the fire–yet it is powerful enough [...]

If Microsoft Built Cars
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car.

How to Shoot Yourself In the Foot Using Any Programming Language
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you’re currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.

Roughing it
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life…