Doctor & Lawyer Jokes

Hot Bath
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he’d become comfortable, the front doorbell rang.

Don’t Owe You Anything
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”

Professionals
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a very slight, very tight bikini strolled by.

Preparing for an Emergency Landing
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

Shrinking Clothes
Max went into the doctor’s office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.

Valuable Service
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

A Lawyer at the Pearly gates
A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

My Car! My Car!
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

Restitution
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, runs to the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

What Do You Have?
A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.”

Medical Insurance - HMOs Explained
Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

Abundance
An American traveling on a train in Europe meets a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer.

Patient Info
The main phone number rang at a hospital and the switchboard PBX operator answers.

NASA Interviews
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn’t return to Earth.

Affirmative Action
In Heaven, the order for an affirmative action program was handed down. From on high it was decreed that everyone would have an equal opportunity to enter Heaven.

Doctors Duck Hunting
Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.

The Three Kick Rule
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

The Three Kick Rule
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

Where’s the Money?
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

What Doctors Really Mean
“This should be taken care of right away.”Translation: I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable I want to fix it before it clears up on its own.

Big Man in a Small Town
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school.

Old Dr. Carver
Doctor Carver was old and feeble, but he still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house because Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

Where’s the Money?
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

What Doctors Really Mean
“This should be taken care of right away.”Translation: I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable I want to fix it before it clears up on its own.

Big Man in a Small Town
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school.

You CAN Take It With You
A dying man gathered his three most trusted friends, his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough [...]

Old Dr. Carver
Doctor Carver was old and feeble, but he still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house because Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

Lucrative Profession
A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his find.

The Emergency
The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.

Season’s Greetings (after the lawyers are done)
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration

A Hobby
A young lawyer decided he needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he’d give it a go.